If you went to space, on any given day, you would not find any unicorns there. That is because they are not allowed. You might wonder, "Well, why aren't unicorns allowed in space?" Well, it just so happens, that I am in a good mood. And I will therefore explain to you why Unicorns are not allowed in space.
Once upon a time, unicorns were in space all the time. They flew in flying saucers. You knew it was a unicorn flying saucer because there was a horn on it. Unicorns like to personalize everything like that.
Well, also living in space, there were polar bears. Or, solar bears. These were like polar bears, except instead of being white like snow, they were silvery gold like the sun. Yes, silvery gold is a color. Because I just made it up. Don't argue with me.
Anyway, solar bears are really fond of rap music. But there's no music in space. So they were grumpy about that. And then the unicorns came along, and the unicorns were really, really happy to be in space. They loved everything about it. They loved the stars and dodging comets and orbiting planets and fighting the Gorgons and the fresh smell of vacuum. The unicorns were so happy about living in space that they flew around with big smiles on their faces, riding in their flying saucers with the horn on it and listening to opera. That's right, unicorns love opera music. And, since unicorns required oxygen to breathe, they could actually listen to opera music in their horned saucers. So the solar bears, who could only exist in the vacuum of space, would toot around with their little silvery gold jet packs and watch the unicorns through the windows of their spaceships. And the solar bears were jealous of the happy unicorns. They were very, very jealous.
The unicorns were happy, but they also had a goal. And they knew that if they reached their goal, they would be even happier. What was their goal? You ask a lot of questions. But I'll tell you. They wanted to find a planet filled with oxygen and opera. They wanted to live on this planet, and grow glitter ferns and opal orchids. They wanted to munch on burritos all day and listen to opera. So the unicorns were always searching for this special planet.
The solar bears knew about the unicorns' secret plan. And they were fed up with the unicorns being so gleeful all up in their faces every day. So the solar bears held a special meeting. They used sign language to communicate a plan to each other. And they chose one of their own, a solar bear named Unterboa, to carry out the plan.
Unterboa jetted across the galaxy in search of the special planet that the unicorns wanted. Unterboa found a planet far, far away from her fellow bears and the unicorns. She explored the planet and found that it was filled with disgusting oxygen and horrible green fields and obnoxious sunshine. She jetted back to where her friends were sullenly awaiting her report.
Now that the solar bears knew of a planet that would make the loathsome unicorns happy, they needed to figure out how to get them there. They went to the other side of the galaxy, where the hyper hippos kept their galatial glaciers. The hyper hippos were also pretty moody, and similarly disliked the unicorns, so they allowed the solar bears to borrow one of their galatial glaciers. It's a giant craggy ice formation that slowly travels through space.
The solar bears tied a rope to the galatial glacier and pulled it slowly towards the unicorns. When the unicorns saw the galatial glacier, they zapped it with their pewpewpew guns. The glacier kept moving towards them. So then they powed it with their boomboomboom rockets. The glacier did not slow or stop. So the unicorns slammed down on their zoomzoomzoom levers and sped away in their horned saucers. They went straight in the direction of the planet!
The solar bears pursued them with their glacier until the unicorns were forced to land on the planet. Then they towed the galatial glacier back to the hyper hippos. The unicorns explored the planet and jumped and whinnied and ariaed for joy. They dragged their giantest iPod out of their horned saucers and played the most beautiful opera music ever. Then they planted their glitter ferns and their opal orchids and danced slow waltzes of elation. They built happy little horned homes and settled down for many years of bliss.
So the solar bears and the hyper hippos decided that the unicorns were not allowed in space any more. But it doesn't really matter. Because the unicorns were really happy in their new home, and didn't even think to return to space. As fun as it was, they had finally found their bliss. And the solar bears and hyper hippos were still really grumpy, even with the unicorns gone. Because they probably would have been grumpy in any situation.
So this probably wasn't the story you thought it would be, but deal with it. You have to find your own happy place, even if you only find it because grumpy people pushed you towards it.
p.s. I know that the planet where the unicorns ended up is technically contained within space. Don't get smart with me.
Awesome! :)
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