Evil Banana Factory, Part 2

Amethyst and Mortimer found themselves in a normal sized room.  They stood on red carpet and looked around at bright red walls.  The ceiling was red.  There was a red desk near the wall across from them.  Hanging above the red desk was a red picture in a red frame.  The picture portrayed a dark red drawing of an evil banana.  Sitting at the desk was a man in a red suit.  He had sunburned skin and white hair.  He looked at them with red eyes.  He was frowning.

"WHO ARE YOU?" the voice came from the man, but his lips did not move.  Amethyst and Mortimer looked at him.  He frowned harder.

"M-m-my n-name is Amethyst," she said.  Then she pointed to the pollidog, "And this is Mortimer."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" the voice asked.  The man crossed his arms in a huff.

"We are…we were snooping.  Rudely.  And we'll leave right now and never bother you again!"  Amethyst noticed that there was no door in the room.  She began to shake a little.  Morty was already shaking.

"I DON'T THINK SO.  YOU HAVE SEEN MY EVIL BANANA FACTORY.  WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

"Um.  Um.  Um.  The bananas look pretty evil to me.  Why are you making them?"

"I NEED FRIENDS.  I AM ALL ALONE.  PLUS, NO ONE WILL TEASE ME NOW.  I HAVE AN EVIL BANANA ARMY.  WHAT DO THEY HAVE?  BIG FISTS. A VAST VOCABULARY OF TEASING LANGUAGE.  THAT'S IT.  THOSE JERKS WON'T STAND A CHANCE!"

"Um.  What jerks?" Amethyst started to feel a little better.  She was maybe going to have a plan in a minute.

"MEANIES.  BIG, FAT, MEANIES WHO DON'T DESERVE AWESOME MAD SCIENTIST FRIENDS LIKE ME.  I'M TOO GOOD FOR THEM.  THEY'LL RUE THE DAY. THEY'LL RUE IT SO HARD!"

Amethyst needed to keep the voice on track.  The sunburned man was shaking his fist.  She decided to take a humane approach.

"Um.  Excuse me, sir.  But what's your name?" she asked him.

"MY NAME?  MY NAME IS MERCURY.  WHY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW MY NAME?  DO YOU WANT TO BE MY FRIEND?"  The sunburned man looked hopeful.

"I thought maybe we could be friends.  And maybe I could help you with the meanies who hurt your feelings."  She showed him her backpack, and pulled out a squirt gun.  "Between your bananas and my arsenal here, I think we have the makings of a good scare," she said with confidence.

"SCARE? NO.  THE MEANIES MUST BE DESTROYED.  WE MUST CUT OUT THEIR HEARTS AND FEED THEM TO MY RAVENOUS BANANA CHILDREN. I WILL LET YOU HELP ME.  AND THEN WE CAN BE FRIENDS."  The sunburned man clapped his hands.  He grinned creepily, showing white, white teeth and bloody gums.

Destroyed? Amethyst and Mortimer looked at one another nervously.  "Sure, Mercury, whatever you say.  But first, who are the meanies?"

"TIM AND ARABELLE LARIMER."

Her parents.

...oh SNAP!

***

Amethyst really, really wanted to go home.  Even though she knew her Dad would be mad that she didn't clean the house, and that she went to the factory, and that she befriended their enemy, and that she got trapped by their enemy, and that she had told their enemy that she would help feed Mom and Dad to raveh-, reva-, um, hungry bananas with needly teeth.  She still really, really wanted to go home. Mortimer, too.  He whimpered.

"OK LET'S GO."  Pop!  Amethyst, Mortimer, and the sunburned man, or Mercury, all appeared in the white room at the back of the factory.

"I just want to take a moment, before we do this," said Mercury, moving his lips like a normal person,"to say thank you for being a friend."  He grinned creepily again.  

Amethyst and Mortimer just gulped and nodded, forcing smiles.  Mercury waited.  When he realized they weren't going to say anything, he waved his hand.  Forty or so evil bananas appeared, stacked eight-high and staring straight ahead at Amethyst and Mortimer with their red eyes.

"So, we take these bananas, and your superstrong acid guns, and we head over to the Larimers' house.  I'll know which one it is, because it will be the only one that will have no rainbow rain residue on it.  I overheard Tim saying that it would be cleaned off right away.  That Stupidhead hates rainbows!  Can you believe it?"  Mercury looked up with a "wow, crazy people" look on his face.  Amethyst exchanged a secret, excited look with Morty.  Morty wagged his tail a little.  Mercury looked at them, and they sobered.  Mercury opened the door and went out, his bananas gliding in their little towers behind him.  Amethyst and Morty brought up the rear, feeling very, very pleased to see the sunshine again.

They spent an hour or so walking around the town, looking for a house without rainbow rain residue.  Amethyst and Morty pretended to be quite earnest in their search.  Amethyst thought and thought, trying to figure out how to get out of this situation without dying or killing her own parents.  She couldn't think of anything.  After a long time, the sun began to go down.  Mercury looked disappointed.  

Amethyst said, "Well, I should head home.  My parents will be worried.  We can meet up tomorrow and try again perhaps?"  Mercury just nodded, looking down, crestfallen. 

"O-k then, bye!" Amethyst and Morty skittered off.  She spared Mercury one backward glance, though, and saw him glumly walking away, bananas gliding behind him.  She felt sorry for him.

When Amethyst and Mortimer returned home, her parents were waiting.  They were very angry about the house not being cleaned.  Amethyst was grounded for the next month.  When she asked them about a schoolmate named Mercury, they laughed.  

"That madman?" her mother jittered, "He's so worthless.  We tease him all the time.  He comes up with these crazy schemes.  No one likes him.  He's got no friends!" 

She laughed, and so did Tim.  "Yeah, he's such a boring loser!" Tim chortled.  They high-fived each other.  Amethyst and Morty went to bed with a lot on their minds.

***

The next day, Amethyst's parents woke her by turning on her lights.  Amethyst squinted in the bright light.  "Get out of bed and get to work RIGHT NOW on the house!" her father hollered.  Amethyst grumbled under her breath, "I saved your life by not cleaning the house yesterday, buttturd."  

"Whatwazzat?!" her mother shouted.

"Nothing," said Amethyst.  She began to scrub the house as her parents left for school.

As soon as her parents were out of sight, Amethyst grabbed her backpack, and she and Mortimer went back to the factory.  They walked right up to the gate, and it opened for them.  Instead of entering the factory, though, they waited in the courtyard. 

Mercury came out to greet them.  "Hi friends!" he said.  "Ready to destroy the Larimers?"

"No, " said Amethyst.  Mercury looked confused. "But you promised!  I thought we were friends!" he whined.

"We are friends," said Amethyst.  Morty yipped in agreement.  "However, I don't want to kill anyone.  Just, maybe, scare them.  And teach them a lesson.  But no physical pain.  Got it?"  She put her hands on her hips with confidence.  Morty put one of his many pairs of paws on his hips, too.

Mercury looked a little disappointed, "Ok, you're probably right.  Let's just spook them.  Do you know where they live?"

Amethyst gave a wide, wide grin.  "Not only do I know where they live, but I have a plan!" 

And they got to it.

***

That evening, Tim and Arabelle Larimer strolled home from school.  They laughed and cackled, joking about their classmates.  When they saw their rainbow house, they grumbled and groaned.  Then they went up to the front door, and froze.

There, on the front step, was the tall banana from the factory.  "WELCOME HOME!" went a big voice, and the banana vanished.

Tim and Arabelle gulped.  They looked at each other, and laughed uneasily.  They walked up and opened the door.

Stepping inside onto the mat, they heard many loud popping noises.  The snap firecrackers!  Amethyst had hidden them just inside the front door.  Her parents held each other tightly in fear.  "Amethyst?" they called out.  No response.  The house was dark.  Arabelle flicked the switch.  

Suspended in the air all throughout the room were at least a hundred evil bananas.  Evil laughter started out quiet, then crescended to an ear-splitting volume as Tim and Arabelle ran from room to room, bananas gliding after them at a casual speed.  Then the bananas began to chant, "Meanies, Meanies, Meanies, MEANIES, MEANIES, MEANIES!!!!"  Tim and Arabelle cried out, "We're sorry!  We're sorry!"  They ran to their room, jumped in bed, and threw their covers over themselves.  There they huddled until the chanting faded away, and then they still remained under the covers.  Eventually, they fell asleep.

In the morning, Amethyst and Morty made breakfast.  The parents came downstairs looking completely terrible.

Amethyst was in a chipper mood.  "Morning, Mom!  Dad!  You two must be hungry.  I stayed outside late cleaning the rainbow residue off of the house, and when I came inside you'd gone to bed!  Here are your pancakes."  She placed a steaming stack of pancakes on their plates.  

Arabelle looked at her plate, then looked up at Amethyst.  

"Honey," she asked slowly. "What kind of pancakes are these?"

"Your favorite, Mom!" Amethyst smiled, "Banana nut!"

Both parents ran screaming from the house.

***

Amethyst and Mortimer grew up together, spending many happy days with their new friend, Mercury.  They made all kinds of bananas at the factory, not just evil ones.  The bananas were very useful, especially when Arabelle and Tim became a little too strict with Amethyst.  Then the evil bananas might be found lingering in the dark shadows along the Larimers' route home from school.  But that didn't happen very often.  In fact, Tim and Arabelle became model citizens after that, treating everyone with respect and making all kinds of new friends.  But they didn't make friends with Mercury. They didn't tease him anymore, either.

The End.

Evil Banana Factory, Part 1

Rainbow rain poured down all morning, puddling with pops of color in the gutters and broken concrete of the city.  Amethyst looked out her window, chin propped in her hands, humming a little tune, smiling to herself.   Amethyst loved the rainbow rain.  She watched the pink, red, gold, and violet rivulets trickle down the window glass.  Just then, she felt a nudge on her arm.

A cold, wet nose poked her.  Attached to the nose was the fuzzy blue head of her pollidog, Mortimer.  Mortimer panted happily and wagged his bushy blue tail.  He danced in a circle on his twenty tippy-toes.

Amethyst smiled,"Want to go outside, Morty?"  The creature yipped excitedly.  Amethyst got down from her ledge and slipped into a yellow silk jumper with little dark blue ruffles, beads, and gemstones arranged to look like a flower.  She put on her green raincoat and fetched her black, star-shaped umbrella.  Then she and Mortimer went out into the rain.

They skipped and tripped over mint green puddles and purple pools and gold-streaked gutters.  Morty laughed barkingly at Amethyst's little jokes, and they stopped at a Nutty Nut stand for cashews and pecans.  The Nut Vendor, Mrs. Jennison, laughed at the jokes, too.  Amethyst and Morty headed for the edge of town with their little bag of treats.

At the edge of town was the school that Amethyst's parents attended.  She stood up on tiptoes and peered through the window of the black-brick building.  She saw her mother doodling in a notebook at her desk.  She saw her father passing a note to her mother.  She saw the teacher walk over to them and put her hands on her hips.  Amethyst turned to Mortimer and whispered in a sing-song voice, " I think Mom and Dad are in trou--ble!"  Morty chuckled.  Amethyst clambered down and splashed into a puddle the color of honeydew melon.  She and Morty walked away from the dreary building.

Just then, Mortimer gave a YIP! and ran off.  Amethyst scurried after him as fast as she could.  He ran up to a big, red iron gate. He yowled after a yellow critter that had slipped through the bars.  Amethyst read the sign next to the gate.  It read,"Evil Banana Factory, Established 1990."  Amethyst giggled and turned to Mortimer.

  

"Evil banana factory?  That's soooo funny!"  She laughed harder, clutched her belly, and doubled over in mirth.  But then, she noticed that Mortimer was not also laughing.  He was staring straight ahead, through the bars of the gate.  Amethyst followed his gaze and her mouth dropped wide open.

Poised in the center of a cement courtyard were three bananas.  They looked like ordinary bananas, except they had angled, red eyes and mouths grinning to reveal large, needlelike teeth.  And those red eyes pointed straight at Amethyst and Mortimer!  They all stood there for a while, staring at each other.  Then the bananas began to glide slowly backwards, towards the big purple door to the big red factory.  When they reached the door, they disappeared.

Amethyst and Mortimer jumped!  Then they looked at each other.  

"Did you see that?" Amethyst asked her pollidog, "They just disappeared!  Just like that! The door didn't open or anything! Ahhhhh!" she screamed.  Morty became upset.  He huffed and whimpered.  Amethyst decided to leave.  "Let's get out of here!" she said.  They slowly turned to walk away.  Then they heard a sound.

Amethyst twirled to face the factory again.  "Did you hear that?" she asked Mortimer.  Mortimer perked up his ears and tilted his head.  She crouched beside him. "It sounded like…. laughter," she whispered.  Then they heard it again, louder this time. The friends stood there, frozen.  Finally, they heard a big booming voice yelling, "WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING THERE? GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Amethyst and Mortimer didn't need to be told twice.  They turned tail and ran all the way home.

***

When Amethyst's parents came home from school that day, she told them about the Evil Banana Factory, the laughter, and the dismissive imperative.  Her parents, Arabelle and Tim, looked at each other knowingly.  Then they said, "Don't worry about that factory, Amethyst.  It's just a big joke.  The bananas aren't really evil.  Our teacher said so just last week."  

Amethyst looked at them with wide eyes, "Really?  Because they had BIG red eyes and BIG needly teeth and they yelled REALLY REALLY LOUD!  Just ask Mortimer!"  Mortimer looked up from where he was licking one of his many paws.  He yipped in agreement.  

Tim drew himself up to his full height, "Now listen to me, Amethyst.  You and Morty stay away from that factory, you hear?  And tomorrow, I'm going to need for you to scrub the rain residue off of the house.  It looks like a unicorn threw up all over the place."  

Amethyst stifled a giggle. "Oh, Daddy, I like the rainbow colors of our house!  Can't we leave it up like everyone else does?  It will wash away with the next regular rain anyway."  

"No," her father commanded, "Clean up the house and stay away from that factory!"  

Amethyst sulked and went over to play with Morty until dinner time.  She knew that her father meant well.  But she had different plans.  Plans involving a certain curved yellow fruit….. dun dun DUN!

***

The next day, after her parents left for school, Amethyst went outside and admired her rainbow house.  Mortimer followed.  After a little while, he looked up at her and made a dog noise as if to say, "Well?"  And Amethyst nodded.  She went back into the house and got her elephant backpack.  She filled the backpack with the following:

1. Three peanut butter sandwiches

2. Two squirt guns filled with orange juice

3. A package of snap firecrackers

4. Seven sticks of bubblegum

5. Rope

6. A penny whistle

Then she dressed in dark purple, and wore a dark purple cap.  She and Morty set out, straight for the Evil Banana Factory.

When they were about one hundred feet away, she examined the factory from all sides, looking for a back way in.  She found a back door.  It had a sign that said "Receiving" on it.  She tried the handle.  It turned.  She took a moment to scan the immediate area for evil bananas.  None in sight.  She opened the door.

The back room had white tile floor, white walls, and white counters.  They were sparkling clean.  She closed the door behind her.  There was another door at the other end of the room.  She and Morty crossed the room and opened the door.  

This door opened to a bright white hallway.  There were many doors on either side, but the hallway was empty.  Amethyst and Mortimer entered the hallway, closing the door behind them.  They walked not ten feet before she saw it.  A single banana appeared at the end of the hallway, thirty feet away.

The banana looked at them with its red, red eyes.  The red eyes seemed to pulse with some kind of rhythm, turning brighter red and then dark red again.  The banana was completely still, except for its pulsing eyes.  Its mouth was frozen in a needly grin.

Amethyst and Morty stopped moving when they saw the banana.  They waited, but nothing happened.  They waited a little longer, and then began to walk towards one of the doors to their right.  The banana did not move, but Amethyst paused.  She thought she could hear the laughter again.  Silence.  She began to move again, and then she and Morty both heard the laughter, louder this time.  Two more bananas appeared on either side of the first, pulsing their eyes and not moving.  The laughter did not stop.  It grew louder and louder.  In a panic, Amethyst flung open the door to her right and ran into the room, Morty following close behind and slammed the door tight.

They had entered a completely black room.  No light, but there was sound.  The sound of machines.  Then someone turned the light on.

"WELCOME!" boomed a loud voice.  Amethyst and Morty looked around at the large room.  It was filled with black machines of all sorts, moving and chugging and popping and zapping and churning and steaming and whizzing about.  It looked like a factory.  A banana, Amethyst's height but otherwise looking exactly like the others with evil, pulsing red eyes, appeared beside them.  

"WELCOME TO THE EVIL BANANA FACTORY," came a voice from the banana.  Its mouth did not move.  Only the eyes.  Pulsing with a rhythm that echoed in the sounds of the machine.  "YOU WILL NOW ENJOY THE TOUR," said the banana voice.

The banana opened its enormous mouth, as wide as it was tall, and Amethyst and Morty were pulled inside.

To be continued...

The Old Man Tree

The old man tree lived alone in a giant field.  "I've lived a long life," he thought, "I am happy."

When the old man tree smiled, his trunk creased and wrinkled in a thousand little cracks.  He smiled often.

The old man tree watched the birds fly towards him, across the field from the hills that tumbled along the eastern edge.  He noted their colors: spottled brown, speckled purple, spookled blue.  The birds landed in his branches and sang to him.  They sang songs of news, of history, of humor, of fantasy.  All the while they sang, the old man tree chuckled to himself, "I have friends.  I am happy."

The old man tree felt the cool, clear rain pitter patter on his dry, cracked skin.  He felt the soil expand to welcome the rain, and he eagerly drank the droplets that found their way to his roots.  He felt his green green leaves plump and ripen with the fresh water.  Life hummed through him as the rain coursed through his branches to the outermost twigs.  "I have water.  My body is strong," he mused, "I am happy."

When the rain was finished and also the night, the sun rose from behind the hills.  Light spread everywhere; the delicious food soaked across his eager, hungry leaves.  As they absorbed the radiant energy of the sun, the old man tree beamed.  "I have food," he sang, "I am happy."

The old man tree lived his long, long life in the field.  Every day, he found many reasons to be happy.  Every day, he smiled and talked to himself of the blessings of life.  "Life is a reward in itself," he would say. "I live a beautiful life, and that's all there is.  And I am happy."

And then one night, the rain came again.  No soft pitter patter; it came in glass sheets.  It prickled and poured and needled and splashed all over the ancient, worn trunk of the old man tree.  Still, the old man tree was happy.  He did not fear the storm.

The storm thrashed and crashed.  It moaned and groaned.  Lightening flared and thunder shattered.  The old man tree creaked as he swayed in the wind.  His rain-soaked face held a smile.

Finally, a giant bolt of lightning arced across the sky and cracked the old man tree in two.  For a moment, nothing happened.  And then, slowly and gently, a sparkling mist arose from the broken branches.  It spread out slightly. Little bits of mist reached the edge of the field, but most of the glimmering silver cloud remained at the center.  And then the little diamonds began to sink.  Deep, deep down into the grass, into the earth, sank the silvery mist.  

And just as the last drops descended, the moaning wind picked up a bit of laughter, and carried it around the field and into the hills.

The End

The Interdimensional Cuckoo Bird

Once, there was a castle.  A tall, lonely tower up on the precipice of a mountain, overlooking the sea.  Built from lime-green rock, this castle is home to three good friends: Ghebbit, Saffro, and Cicibellapopenstein.

Ghebbit is a trunkular elephant.  That is the technical term for an elephant with three trunks instead of one.  Don't judge him.

Saffro is a wise, interdimensional cuckoo bird.  Every hour, she calls "cuckoo" and blips out of sight each time.  People in other dimensions get quite a shock.

Cicibellapopenstein is a monkey's aunt.  Which means that she's also a monkey.  But you wouldn't know it, to look at her.

You may be wondering how three people that are so different came to be such great friends.  Why would you wonder that?  People who are very different from each other become friends all the time.  There's nothing wrong with that.

Ghebbit, Saffro, and Cicibellapopenstein live in relative happiness most of the time.  Every morning, just after her seven interdimensional cuckoos, Saffro makes steamy hot chocolate for everyone.  Cicibellapopenstein, usually wakened by the smell of chocolate, will make bacon cheddar popovers, spinach crustless quiche, or key lime pie for breakfast.  This generally takes several hours.  By the time breakfast is ready, it is lunchtime, and Ghebbit usually wakes at this time.  They all eat, and then Ghebbit uses his three magical trunks to fix the castle, give back massages, or perform a puppet show for his friends.

This is their daily routine.  Then one day, after they finished the last crumb of quiche, Saffro began to blip in and out of space-time.  Her friends waited patiently to finish their conversation, but noticed something peculiar.  Every time Saffro blipped back, she had a scared look on her face.  Once, she was holding a swimming pool noodle.  Once, she was laughing.  Then finally, she blipped for the twelfth time, and didn't blip back.  Ghebbit and Cicibellapopenstein exchanged worrisome glances.  Where was their friend?

They sat there for a long time, waiting.  The clock on the wall ticked loudly.  No sign of Saffro.  An hour passed.  At one o'clock, Saffro blipped back into the castle with a loud, "CUCKOOOOO!"

Ghebbit and Cicibellapopenstein jumped!  Then they rushed to hug their friend.  

"Where were you?" asked Ghebbit?

"Are you alright?" asked Cicibellapopenstein?

Saffro looked at them with wide-wide eyes.  "I was in the most incredible place!" she told them.  "There were monsters (the good kind), and children, and swimming pools that stretched as far as the eye can see!  There was a floating island full of delectable treats: pop tarts, sandwiches, radishes!  Natalie Imbruglia was performing on a stage!  I couldn't come back!"

"But how do you feel?" asked Cicibellapopenstein.

"A little woozy.  A little overwhelmed."  Saffro looked as if she might faint.  Ghebbit extended a trunk behind her to catch her fall.

Cicibellapopenstein frowned.  "I think you should go back to bed," she said, in a very aunt-like way.  

Saffro nodded.  "You should know.  I actually couldn't come back.  It's not that I didn't want to.  Although, it was fun to stay for a while.  I think I'll go lie down."  Saffro went to bed.  

About an hour later, Ghebbit went to check on her.  He wanted to make sure that she blipped back when she cuckooed at two o'clock.  Saffro was sleeping, but he saw her disappear once, then blip back.  She disappeared a second time, and blipped back, still sleeping.  Ghebbit sighed and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.  He went to find Cicibellapopenstein.

Cicibellapopenstein was in her space-time lab.  She was wearing a lime-green lab coat and giant goggles.  Ghebbit saw her pour a blue liquid from one test tube into a pink liquid from another test tube.  When the liquids connected, Ghebbit heard the sound of laughter.  Cicibellapopenstein poured the laugholin into a dish and crouched down to examine it scientifically from the side.  Ghebbit coughed, and she looked up.

"Oh hi, Ghebbit," she said. "I am trying to see if I can scientifically explain what happened to Saffro.  I have done extensive research on interdimensional cuckoo birds, but have never heard of a case like this."

"Can I help?" Ghebbit asked.

"Sure," said Cicibellapopenstein. "Put on that pink lab coat, then pour different liquids together into other containers.  Look at them quizzically, and say 'hmm' or 'aha!' every few moments.  Do that for long enough and we'll have our scientific answer."

Ghebbit and Cicibellapopenstein spent the next several hours hmming and harrumphing and ahaing and pouring and squinting.  Then, finally, they had their scientific answer!

Cicibellapopenstein stood upright, holding a test tube full of colorful sprinkles in one hand.  "By jove, I think I've got it!" she exclaimed proudly.

"Who is jove?" Ghebbit asked.

"I don't know."  Cicibellapopenstein looked confused.  "But I know why Saffro got stuck in space-time!"  Cicibellapopenstein posed triumphantly, holding up the test tube and looking at it dramatically.

Ghebbit looked at her expectantly.  Cicibellapopenstein glance sideways at him and slowly lowered the test tube.  Slightly less dramatically, she said, "When Saffro cuckoos, she goes to a different dimension for each set of cuckoos, alarming different people each time."

Ghebbit nodded.

Cicibellapopenstein continued, "So, this time she cuckooed a large number of times, eleven times, before she got stuck on the twelfth cuckoo."

Ghebbit nodded quickly, urging her along.

"So, maybe this time, someone had enough notice and determination to catch an interdimensional cuckoo bird!  Maybe someone used Science to hold her there, but the power of her cuckoos brought her back an hour later!"

Ghebbit frowned.  "But why would someone at a pool party want to do that?"

"For SCIENCE!"  Cicibellapopenstein's eyes went big. "Not every dimension has interdimensional cuckoo birds.  Maybe someone wanted to study Saffro, to learn how to jump between dimensions in a more permanent way!"

Just then, a loud popping sound happened, and a huge purple walurus came SPLAT into the middle of the science lab.  

Cicibellapopenstein and Ghebbit stared at the creature.  "Who are you?" Ghebbit asked.

The walurus straightened.  In a perky British accent, he said, "I am a walurus.  The "lu" means "read" in French.  I am a walrus that likes to read.  A walurus. My name is AxZam."

Cicibellapopenstein and Ghebbit looked at AxZam for a few moments, waiting.  Finally, Cicibellapopenstein said, "So…. why did you just appear in my lab?"

AxZam straightened up as much as is possible for a walurus, "By the grace of SCIENCE, I was able to appear here of my own volition.  Volition means that I made it happen.  With science!"  He looked at their blank faces.  Then he sighed.

"I used your interdimensional cuckoo bird as a marker to travel to your dimension!  I am now an interdimensional walurus!" he exclaimed grandly, puffing out his chest.

Cicibellapopenstein and Ghebbit regarded AxZam with skepticism.  "What do you want?" they asked him at the same time.

AxZam seemed thrown off by the question.  He looked around confusedly and checked his pockets.  "Um.  I want….books!  Do you have any books I could read?  I like to read.  The "lu" in walurus…"

Cicibellapopenstein interrupted him, "We have many books you are welcome to read.  Are you from the pool party dimension?  Is that how you got a hold of Saffro?"

"Yes," replied AxZam. "And I know what you're going to ask, and the answer is yes, Natalie Imbruglia continued to release more hit songs after 'Torn' in our dimension.  She is as popular there as Beyonce is here.  Interdimensional travelers come to our pool party all the time.  I'm always being asked that."

Cicibellapopenstein looked satisfied.  "Thanks.  I had been wondering.  Want to see our library?"

AxZam went with Cicibellapopenstein and Ghebbit to the library, where they spent many hours laughing and reading books.  AxZam is a very good gardener, and joke teller, and weather predictor.  Cicibellapopenstein, Ghebbit, and Saffro asked him to stay with them in the lime green castle tower.  And now there are four great friends living there.

The End. 

Unicorns Are Not Allowed in Space.

If you went to space, on any given day, you would not find any unicorns there.  That is because they are not allowed.  You might wonder, "Well, why aren't unicorns allowed in space?"  Well, it just so happens, that I am in a good mood.  And I will therefore explain to you why Unicorns are not allowed in space.

Once upon a time, unicorns were in space all the time.  They flew in flying saucers.  You knew it was a unicorn flying saucer because there was a horn on it.  Unicorns like to personalize everything like that.

Well, also living in space, there were polar bears.  Or, solar bears.  These were like polar bears, except instead of being white like snow, they were silvery gold like the sun.  Yes, silvery gold is a color.  Because I just made it up.  Don't argue with me.

Anyway, solar bears are really fond of rap music.  But there's no music in space.  So they were grumpy about that.  And then the unicorns came along, and the unicorns were really, really happy to be in space.  They loved everything about it.  They loved the stars and dodging comets and orbiting planets and fighting the Gorgons and the fresh smell of vacuum.  The unicorns were so happy about living in space that they flew around with big smiles on their faces, riding in their flying saucers with the horn on it and listening to opera.  That's right, unicorns love opera music.  And, since unicorns required oxygen to breathe, they could actually listen to opera music in their horned saucers.  So the solar bears, who could only exist in the vacuum of space, would toot around with their little silvery gold jet packs and watch the unicorns through the windows of their spaceships.  And the solar bears were jealous of the happy unicorns.  They were very, very jealous.

The unicorns were happy, but they also had a goal.  And they knew that if they reached their goal, they would be even happier.  What was their goal?  You ask a lot of questions.  But I'll tell you.  They wanted to find a planet filled with oxygen and opera.  They wanted to live on this planet, and grow glitter ferns and opal orchids.  They wanted to munch on burritos all day and listen to opera.  So the unicorns were always searching for this special planet. 

The solar bears knew about the unicorns' secret plan.  And they were fed up with the unicorns being so gleeful all up in their faces every day.  So the solar bears held a special meeting.  They used sign language to communicate a plan to each other.  And they chose one of their own, a solar bear named Unterboa, to carry out the plan.  

Unterboa jetted across the galaxy in search of the special planet that the unicorns wanted.  Unterboa found a planet far, far away from her fellow bears and the unicorns.  She explored the planet and found that it was filled with disgusting oxygen and horrible green fields and obnoxious sunshine.  She jetted back to where her friends were sullenly awaiting her report.

Now that the solar bears knew of a planet that would make the loathsome unicorns happy, they needed to figure out how to get them there.  They went to the other side of the galaxy, where the hyper hippos kept their galatial glaciers.  The hyper hippos were also pretty moody, and similarly disliked the unicorns, so they allowed the solar bears to borrow one of their galatial glaciers.  It's a giant craggy ice formation that slowly travels through space.

The solar bears tied a rope to the galatial glacier and pulled it slowly towards the unicorns.  When the unicorns saw the galatial glacier, they zapped it with their pewpewpew guns.  The glacier kept moving towards them.  So then they powed it with their boomboomboom rockets.  The glacier did not slow or stop.  So the unicorns slammed down on their zoomzoomzoom levers and sped away in their horned saucers.  They went straight in the direction of the planet!  

The solar bears pursued them with their glacier until the unicorns were forced to land on the planet.  Then they towed the galatial glacier back to the hyper hippos.  The unicorns explored the planet and jumped and whinnied and ariaed for joy.  They dragged their giantest iPod out of their horned saucers and played the most beautiful opera music ever.  Then they planted their glitter ferns and their opal orchids and danced slow waltzes of elation.  They built happy little horned homes and settled down for many years of bliss.

So the solar bears and the hyper hippos decided that the unicorns were not allowed in space any more.  But it doesn't really matter.  Because the unicorns were really happy in their new home, and didn't even think to return to space.  As fun as it was, they had finally found their bliss.  And the solar bears and hyper hippos were still really grumpy, even with the unicorns gone.  Because they probably would have been grumpy in any situation.  

So this probably wasn't the story you thought it would be, but deal with it.  You have to find your own happy place, even if you only find it because grumpy people pushed you towards it.

p.s. I know that the planet where the unicorns ended up is technically contained within space.  Don't get smart with me.

Anylase the Giant Chocolate Spider

Anylase is a chocolate spider.  One might even say, a giant chocolate spider.  She spends her days trying very hard not to melt in the hot, hot sun.  

She takes ice baths.  Her swimsuit is a plastic bag.

She pays rent to her friend Gobus, the mouse.  He lets her sit in his freezer for two hours each day.  She pays him in stale jelly beans.  Don't ask how she gets the jellybeans.  You really don't want to know.

She drives to work in a motorized cooler.  You know, the one with the handle that extends really long and has wheels attached?  She found one with a motor.  I think it was in your Dad's basement.  Why did your Dad build that?  Better yet, why did your Dad give his motor-cooler-car to a chocolate spider?

Anylase works in a chemistry lab.  She tests chemicals.  She is trying to find a chemical that keeps chocolate cold at all times.  This makes a lot of sense.

One day, the air conditioning in Anylase's lab breaks down.  She doesn't notice right away.  Finally, she notices that her hairy, chocolatey legs are leaving imprints on the test tubes.  She is slowly melting onto them.  Oh no!

Anylase has a lab partner, Jexus.  He is a candy clown.  He has a higher melting temperature, so he doesn't notice the heat when Anylase does.  Anylase asks Jexus to fix the air conditioning.  She is really worried.  Jexus like-likes Anylase.  He is worried, too.

Jexus finds the air conditioning unit.  He checks the plug.  The unit is plugged into the wall.  

He checks the outlet.  Other machines work when plugged into the same outlet.  

He turns the air conditioning unit off, and then turns it back on a again.  There is no whir whir sound.  There is no cool air.  Anylase continues to melt.  She leaves small footprints of gooey chocolate on the floor behind her as she works.

Jexus reads the air conditioning manual.  It says that sometimes, the air conditioner may be fixed with smooth jazz.  Jexus plays his saxophone for the air conditioner.  The air conditioner does not work.  Anylase melts a little more.

Jexus reads the manual some more.  It says that sometimes, the air conditioner may be fixed with petting.  Jexus pets the air conditioner and makes baby-talk.  The air conditioner still does not work.  Anylase melts a little more.

Finally, Jexus reads the last instruction in the manual.  It says that sometimes, the air conditioner may be fixed with the release of repressed emotions.  Jexus lowers himself to one knee and confesses his undying love to Anylase.

The air conditioner begins to release a little bit of cool air!

Anylase tells Jexus that she also has feelings for him.

The air conditioner blows even more cool air!

Jexus calls his mother and tells her that he no longer wishes to receive a soccer ball every Christmas, that he really prefers art books.  

The air conditioner goes full blast!

Anylase cools off completely.  Unfortunately, she is still a little melted.  Jexus drives her in the cooler to the hospital, where they fix her up nice.  Then, they move to Alaska and get married and live happily ever after.

The End.